A GRADUAL CHANGE
This is the story of how God transformed my life. I used to be a normal, bright and confident child but in my teens I realized that something had changed in me. When I went back to visit family in India I remember my relatives looking at me in a puzzled way and saying how I used to be such an outgoing and happy child. I could only look down at the floor in embarrassment as someone mentioned again the day when, as a child, I apparently ran up onto the stage at a wedding and danced my heart out, not at all worried about all the eyes watching my every movement. I am not sure when I started becoming more of an introvert, turning more and more into myself and not seeking the company of others. It was not that I was a true reclusive; I just simply felt exhausted trying to be someone that I was not. I loved talking to people and getting to know them, but I hated living up to other people’s expectations. I found it easier to keep my true person hidden away inside, almost like an oyster cradling and nurturing its pearl, waiting to show the right person its treasure.
I LIVED A LIE
I found it easier to put on a front for my family, friends, and classmates. I’d say, of course I’m happy, of course I’m smart, of course I’m a good church-going girl, of course I’m perfect. I have it all together. Can’t you tell by the smile on my face and the bitter lie in my eyes? Only my pillow and I knew about the tears I shed, night after night… and, of course, God knew. Before I met the living God, I was an empty shell of a person. I was a person who was so used to hiding my feelings from others that I could not even tell myself, how I really felt. I was that person.
GOD SAW ME
Then I met God. I met Him at a retreat where He saw my brokenness, even though I thought that I had bandaged over all the wounds and hidden all my fears. He spoke to me through a person, telling me that He saw my tears, He saw my troubles. He saw me. God saw me for who I was, not for the person that I was pretending to be. He wrapped me in his loving arms and cradled me, seeing me as someone to be cherished and valued, like a diamond that He had found underneath piles of dirt. He did not see the scratches on the surface or the numerous flaws. He did not condemn me for my sins nor did He find any faults within me. In His everlasting mercy, He freed me. I know that I was not worthy of any of it. I am still not worthy of it. Sometimes I just sit and ponder, wondering how I would have turned out if He had not deigned to come into my life and pour out His mercy upon me, if He had chosen not to love me.
MY TRUE SELF
Through God’s love alone, I was able to revert to my true outgoing self, I have been transformed into the person that He wants me to be. I no longer feel that society defines who I am, but God does. I am able to ignore what others might think of me and I can talk to people honestly. I can love others to the best of my ability, and reflect the love, that He is showing me daily, into other people’s lives; so that they too can know the God that I met and fell in love with. I want them to find the God who cradles me in His arms daily, nurses my wounds, and wipes my tears away. He shows me that there is no one I need to please in this world. Now I am living my life for God and Him alone. He is my Saviour. He is my one true love. He is my treasure because I was his treasure first.
Written by Emily Thundiyil